Ohh, they got my jaaaaam!
♪ [ Michael Jackson’s ‘Billie Jean’ playing ] ♪ ♪ Oh, oh! ♪ ♪ The Billie Jean ♪ ♪ Bah, ga, ta! ♪ “We interrupt your program -”
(music stops) [Radio] WHAT?! “- with a message from the state department.” NOOO! DIEEEE!!! Hey guys, this is MTV Cribs. Uh, my new pad. I’ll show you the upstairs. Um… That’s an original Van Gogh on the wall there. This is a Ming Dynasty carpet. And the wallpaper was, uh, custom made by Fabio, believe it or not. These hallways, I can- you know, I don’t – I don’t like these hallways too much. [ ringing ] Uh…
[ explosion ] Oh, that was a close one. I told you to hold the god damn meatballs, Tony!
♪ [ Laura Branigan’s ‘Self Control’ playing ] ♪ Didn’t I- ? Tommy! You idiot!
You killed Chef Boyardee! Leader of the Chef Mafia. Uh, oh… ♪ OH, OH, OH! ♪ Bwaaan ♪ Oh oh oh ♪ Bwaaan ♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪ Bwaaan [ imitating motorcycle ] [ machine gun fire ] AHHHH!!! Hey, you guys wanna see the loading times in Vice City? BAP! OK. Fellas… Guys… I need this. ♪ [ Gary Numan’s ‘Cars’ playing ] ♪ I need this tank for my job! You guys understand. You guys know what it’s like to be a single mother. I need this. – Ah, yeah, I’ll take this guy down!
– I”ll take him!
– I got this! – I got him!
– Don’t worry.
– I got him right now, I got him – – No, I got him right here.
– I got him right here.
– Look at this, look at this. Good job, guys! Hey, cop! PAH! [ cackles evilly ] That one never gets old… Uuh… Oh, I know what to do! I know what to do- They’ll never get me behind my goons. “He’s standin’ behind some black guys!” “Yeah!” “We’ll have to shoot through ’em!” Can’t get my goons – no! No! Don’t shoot my goons! Goons! Where you goin’?! No! That’s not working! That’s not working! Heh, heh! Now it’s time to make my great escape – Goons, what are you doing? GOONS!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!
THERE’S NO CARS!!! There’s – ♪ AND I RA-A-AN ♪
♪ [ A Flock of Seagulls ‘I Ran’ playing ] ♪ ♪ I ran so far awa-a-ay ♪ Bow, bow… ♪ I just ra-a-an ♪ ♪ I run, bown, bown, bown, bo-o-o ♪ “Dammit!”
(music stops) “He went in the café!” “He could be anywhere in there!” Oh, my god… This guy’s a wizard… Shoot him! Come on, cops, shoot this wizard! He’s gonna cast a spell! Just get him! Aw, this is a good one, yeah. It’s anybody’s game at this point. Just tragic. Just tragi- these young guys are out here dyin’. And it takes-
It take for them to die to realize that gang violence is not the answer. It took- It- That’s what it takes these days. Oh, go- Oh, but-
No. They’re goin – [ laughs ] They’re still goin’ at it! ♪ [ Toto’s ‘Africa’ playing ] ♪
You can never catch me, cops! I’m the biggest gangster of all! WAAAA HA,HA,HA! WHEEEEE!!! HA,HA,HA,HA! It’ll be YEEEARS before you can catch me! WHOO! NOOO! [ laughs ] He was- He was running away from those gangsters and then he just stopped here to try and catch a bus. [ laughs ] “Guys!” “Guys, I’m just tryin’ to ca- I’m just tryin’ to catch a bus!” ♪ AND HE RA-A-AN ♪ ♪ He ran so far awa-a-ay ♪ Bow, bow… [ laughs ] [ music stops ] [ cracking up ] ♪ And have a good time ♪
♪ [ Fat Larry’s Band ‘Act Like You Know’ playing ] ♪ Whoo! ♪ Just step right up ♪ ♪ Hurry, Hurry, Hurry ♪ ♪ To the fire line ♪ OH ♪ Act like you know ♪ Whoo! ♪ This is your way to shine ♪ FUCK! He,he,heh!
You can never catch me, cops!
♪ [ I Ran playing ] ♪ AH [ music stops ] Uh oh… Busted by coppy. Oh, no!
They took Lance Vance hostage! I’M COMIN’, LANCE! ♪ [ Animotion’s ‘Obsession’ playing ] ♪ I’M COMIN’ TO GET YOU! [ whooping ] HERE I GO, BABY! [ grunting ] I’M COMIN’, DAN! [ sustained yelling ] [ continued yelling ] Hey, there he is! Come on, you asshole! Let’s get outta here! No. All right, Lance! I’m comin’ back! I’m comin’ to save you! ♪ [ Animotion’s ‘Obsession’ playing ] ♪ WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! [ music stops ] Lance, I got a car this time! Let’s go!
♪ [ Iron Maiden’s ‘Two Minutes to Midnight’ playing ] ♪ ♪ Minutes ♪ ♪ To miiidnight ♪ ♪ TO KILL ♪ ♪ The baby on the mooooon ♪ ♪ Two ♪ ♪ Minute- ♪ Oh, shi-! No, come on – Flip it back!
Flip it back, you ass! Flip it back! No! Oh, god! Oh god, this is gonna be crazy.
This gonna be crazy! Come on, Lance! Come on, we can still make it! We can still do this, man. Come on, we just- follow me and- Man, Lance… I promised your mother I would get you outta here. ♪ [ Nena’s ’99 Luftballons’ playing ] ♪ Goddammit, I’m gonna get you outta here! Come on! Let’s make this be our final ride… Tommy… I always thought of you… as like my gay father. SHIT! [ music stops ] NO! No. Come on!
We can, Dance-
We can make- FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!
WE CAN MAKE IT! WE CAN MAKE IT OUTTA HERE! Get in! Get in the shitty green thing! They got my jam!
♪ [ Michael Jackson’s ‘Billie Jean’ playing ] ♪ THEY GOT MY JAM ON HERE! NO! YOU FUCKER! NOOO!
[ laughs ]
[ music stops ] Come ON! No, you ass, get outta there, Lance, you dickhead! Get out.
NO! FUCK YOU! Fuck you! The red one! Get in! Get in, you fucking dickhead! [ panting ] ♪ [ Blondie’s ‘Atomic’ playing ] ♪ OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! NOT EVEN CLOSE… BABYYYYYYYYYY!!! WHOOOOOO!!!