Top Gun (NES) – Angry Video Game Nerd (AVGN)

Top Gun sort of marks the beginning of a genre. It was one of the first flight simulation games for the Nintendo Entertainment System or at least one of the most commonly referred to. We obviously know that it ain’t got shit compared with games today for that reason, You might think it’s not worth complaining about. But no. It sucks ass now, and it sucked ass back then. Check it out. Mission one is training for the next mission. Okay, sounds simple enough. So you get a choice of missiles. So which rather Have more or Less. What kind of fucking choice is that? Pick more! I mean the idea is that the fewer missiles is more powerful, but guess what: Whenever you shoot an enemy plane all it takes is one shot to blow them up. Even your regular machine gun bullets taken down in one shot, So what’s the point? and I love all the useless information on the control board: Altitude, Speed I mean really, what does it matter? and look at all the gauges on the right just for decoration. The first thing that really sucks about the gameplay is just the fact that it’s boring. 90% of the time you’re just flying into a blank sky as little pieces of cotton come flying at you Yes, I know they’re supposed to be clouds. also notice the absence of music: I know the developers were trying to make something new to make it realistic, but what we get is a game that makes you feel like you’re in this blank mindless void like if purgatory exists. This is what it is: Top Gun for the NES. I’d rather fly a cargo plane full of rubber dog shit out of Hong Kong. Uh Oh. I’m really fucked now, I got a land on an aircraft carrier a feat: that’s impossible! your radar monitor gives you instructions on how to land but no matter what you do: you still crash. You know, it’s like every time I get to this part I think I might have a chance. This is going to be it. Finally going to land the plane. Speed Down! Left! Left! Speed Up! Right! Right! Speed Up! Speed Down! Left! Left! Speed Up! Speed Down! Up! Up! up-up, I’m hitting up! ASS! FUCK! it’s impossible. I mean, why is it so hard, I mean I guess because they were trying to make it realistic, like if you were actually trying to land on a real aircraft carrier, but I highly doubt that, any of this game is like really flying a plane. So even though I crashed it only takes a life away and it stills let me continue to the next level. Mission 2: Destroy an enemy aircraft carrier. All right, fine. As long as I don’t have to fucking land on it. Now the only difference with the second level is that you’re below the clouds and you can now see the water. Basically it’s just a darker colored blue in the sky. Stay the fuck away, there’s battleships that shoot the shit out of you. You’re best off just flying into the sky the whole time. Now halfway through this level, your fuel starts to run out. So this refuelling plane comes and you have to control its nozzle. So just like landing the plane this is impossible. and I’ve never once done it, you just have to be lucky. I mean your accuracy has to be 100% perfect and really, I don’t have a fucking clue how it works. Down! Down! Speed Up! Down! Down! Left! Left! Up! Up! Speed Up! Left! Left! Down! Down! Up! Up! Left! Left! Right! Right! Up! Up! Left! Left! Down! Down! Up! Up! What the fuck!? What was I supposed to do? Then, now look at the plane. It just goes away like: “Fuck him!”, I mean they just leave you out here to die. At this point it should just say “Game Over”, but instead it allows you to play for a little longer which is pointless. You’re done for, the refuelling plane doesn’t come back and within minutes your fuel runs out and you finally lose. And that’s as far as I ever got, what a shitload of fuck. This game chews turds, this game sucks your balls off and spits them up your ass. Now I know there’s only four levels in the game so it’s kind of the same deal as Karate Kid. It’s a short game but it’s as hard as a fucking T-Rex’s shit. Now because I’ve never passed that refuelling plane, I’ve never seen the last two levels. So, what I’ve decided to do here is to create my own version of what I think, the last two levels may be like. Mission 3: Blow Shit Up! Mission 4: Vent Your Anger and Destroy the TV (SCREAMS) DIE!!!!! Hadouken! Soooooonic Booooooom!!! Well,You just haven’t had enough fun torturing yourself with this awful game? and you still want some more? Well guess what? You’re in luck. There’s a sequel, Top Gun: The Second Mission. Which doesn’t really make much sense because it sounds like you’re talking about the second mission in the first Top Gun. So whatever, what does be mission 5 and up? Even the tops of the game cartridges look completely identical. “Top Gun” and “Top Gun” If you have a microscope, you might be able to read the second mission under there. Now to tell you the truth, the second Top Gun isn’t as bad as the original. But it sure is a hell of a lot fucking harder if you could actually believe that. The game plays a lot faster, you can fly upside-down and spin around although I don’t really know if the point of that is. And there’s also not as many dead spots where you’re just waiting for something to happen and looking for enemies. Here, your enemies come after you right away and they just blow you out of the sky. So you have to really think fast. THe missiles are really hard to dodge and just like the first time, one missile is enough to kill you. But this time, they’re even worse because they’re faster and they don’t seem to come anywhere near as close as they did before. In the original Top Gun, when a missile hits you it looks like this and in the sequel, it looks like this. Much farther away, so if you play the original first, you’re going to be really disoriented that you have so much less time to get out of the way. Besides, they still look like bowling balls on fire. I never made it past the first stage but that’s also because I don’t have the patience for this crap. Now adding to this game there’s a versus mode, the one player game where you battle the computer is impossible. Your opponent just disappears right away, he flies right behind you and then blast your ass to oblivion. And the two-player game is what it is, just two players shoot each other up. And the one thing I find really disappointing is that after you blow up your opponent you see them escape in a parachute. And you don’t want that to happen, you want to see them die. Anyway, that’s all I have to say about this garbage. Fuck balls.

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