Game Plan for Raising Well-Behaved Children – Kevin Leman Part 1

Game Plan for Raising Well-Behaved Children – Kevin Leman Part 1


no no no no no I’ve told you and told
you when mommy tells you to do something you don’t tell her no mommy’s in charge
understand honey no mommy is getting very upset now I’m only going to say
this one more time sweetie pay attention mommy is in charge yes
okay okay I give up you’re in charge welcome to the focus on the family
broadcast helping families thrive John the ministry here focus on the family
has been built upon challenges like we just heard in that clip I can’t believe
we let the S word get through there we don’t use that in our s word stupid but
for more than 40 years we’ve been hearing from moms and dads who want to
do a better job with raising their kids I mean that is a goal for a healthy
family and the fact is most parenting issues haven’t changed all that much at
least that’s my opinion since the days of Cain and Abel I think human behavior
is very much the same and today’s parents seem less confident and more
uncertain about how to go about this task maybe you’re trying too hard to do
everything perfectly I know that’s something we do in the daily household
from time to time it’s just if they could just act perfectly we’ll be fine
but guess what kids don’t do that rarely do they do that and today we want to
equip you with some tools to help you navigate these troubling and exciting
days of parenting to do that we’re going to talk with one of your favorites
that’s dr. Kevin Leman Kevin welcome back to focus on the family it’s great
to be I always feel like I’m at home when I’m at focused oh that’s sweet and
you are fun we enjoy having you as a last born we’re going to talk about that
in a different episode but we love having you here you’re so much fun seems
to me that Christian people ought to be fun
that sounds right to me and well Kevin is certainly fun on TV he spends a lot
of time on national TV does radio he’s a speaker he’s written more than 50 books
and he’s been here dozens of times and we’re gonna have some fun along the way
as we talk about one of the classics we’ve hinted at it it’s called making
children mind without losing yours and it’s I don’t think that’s possible let
me just say right from the be well you can say that because you’ve raised kids
and now you’ve lost you tell me I’m crazy oh not at all Jim not at all hey
John addition to dr. Kevin Leman we have a group of parents around us and you’re
gonna hear some laughter in the studio so let’s let everybody hear from you
guys welcome to focus that’s pretty good pretty good I’d say
they’re gonna be thinking of some questions on your behalf and we’ll get
to them and in just a little while Kevin let’s kick it off help us understand the
overall landscape of parenting today you heard that intro
do you think it’s different do you think parents are basically facing the same
challenges or are they different today well I’m old enough to remember when
kids used to obey their parents no parents obey their kids so things
have changed the landscape has changed in that little introduction we heard no
no no no no no no no no one of my bits of advice is to young parents who are
raising that little firstborn the little lab rat of the family is don’t overuse
the word no they become enesta size to that by the time they hit 18 months when
a kid hits 18 months circle the calendar mom and dad because now they understand
what shear power is even at that early a-absolutely
that sounds ludicrous I mean really they can figure that out that early oh
absolutely any any kind of a simple overreaction on
our part the kids say oh they’re sort of big on that okay I’m making a mental
note on that so kids can work you they can play it like a violin on the back of
making children mind without losing yours it says we have seen the enemy and
they are small lighter battalion is on the move so you better have a game plan
well let’s talk about these two types of parents there’s many shades of this but
obviously you have the control parent you know that they’re gonna they’re
gonna master parenting by controlling the outcome by controlling the
environment why do let’s lean toward moms in this regard why do moms
typically feel this is a good way to go well most of us in this room in the
studio we have lots of parents surrounding us most of us I would guess
there might be one exception grew up in an authoritarian home as did I eight you
listen up you’re gonna do what I tell you to do as long as you live under this
you understand me hey you want something Clara oh yes I’m a car man
okay some of you as parents you had you had parents who just gave you the look
and when you got the look your whole body tightened up your little heels
click together well there’s the authoritarian parent well guess what
there was a time when authoritarianism worked because the parent was so strong
so strong-willed so hard fisted that kids wouldn’t dare to get too far out of
line well let’s go the opposite extreme meet today’s avant-garde permissive
parent Britney Britney sweetheart I’ll have you chosen to go to bed yet you
know my father never said to me hey Kevin have you chosen to go to bed in
fact he was an Irishman okay eighth grade educated man and he’d say
things like this hey eight o’clock and he’d point now if you in that man it was
bedtime well we knew the sign language you know and if you didn’t move he’d
come back and say 8:00 you want to go to bed on your own power you want to be
ricocheted to bed but the point was what you’re going to bed so we have these two
extremes and you see this in parenting today we have the authoritarians
and by the way more authoritarian still hang around in the Christian world okay
then on the other side of this fence but so if you bring up your kid to be
authoritarian I’m here to guarantee you you’re gonna plant the seed
systematically of rebellion in your kids heart if you bring up your kid
permissively okay and these are the parents again who failure is not an
option for their child hey would you kids knock it off I’m trying to finish
your science project in here and they do far too many things and these parents
the permissive bring their kids up like their kid is the center of the universe
if your kid is the center of the universe and you’re a person of faith
somebody pony up and tell me where’s the room for Almighty God in the kid’s life
I’m here to tell you there’s no room for God and that kid’s life so we ought to
move toward the authoritative parent and I think that’s what st. Paul talked
about in Ephesians 6 any authoritative parent has limits his firm
has authority and authority late breaking news authority is a great word
we’ve all seen bumper stickers in our community that says what question
affording it and so your kid and mine have to learn authority but we need to
learn what authority is and it certainly isn’t authoritarianism well before we
get to that in game that goal you mentioned a lot of mistakes that we as
parents make and you’re talking about a couple of them one of the terms you’re
using the book is whack Amole parent so what is a whack Amole parent well get
back to the enemy you ever play whack-a-mole it’s one of those games you
find in amusement parks and something pops up you hit it with a mallet and you
know again kids you’re sitting there watching friends reruns mom and dad okay
it’s the end of the day I mean the kids have been tucked into bed and all of a
sudden you hear this blood-curdling scream from the back bedroom okay and as
only your wife can say she says John would you do something and so John gets
up walks in there pushes open the door and says alright I’ve had it with you
two who started it he did daddy and they point to each other okay you will say
things parent I know you have an MBA degree okay I know you’re an elder in
your church you will say things that you would never say in front of your friend
or your pastor ever and you top it off with and that’s final
and you slam the door and the whole house shakes one of the kids do behind
closed doors laugh they cover their mouth trying to keep the laughter in and
they say did you see the veins pop out of his neck I never saw him pop out that
far before now husband John comes back sits down next to his wife and his only
a loving wife can say she says honestly John I think you’re entirely too more
off with the boys and then he snaps back at her and says seems to me the
discipline around here I wouldn’t have to do that now I asked you five minutes
earlier were you at each other’s throats no you were watching friends to friends
reruns it’s so I’m telling you kids play us they set us up and like flies into
the web we fly in there and that’s what you have
to remember it’s a it’s a journey and many times we just get to authoritarian
and here’s the question of the hour is God an authoritarian I don’t think he’d
get through a discussion on rearing kids without asking that question
is God an authoritarian there’s a lot of people think he is really does he grab
us by the earlobe twist it and say you will acknowledge me
no but his holy word says every knee show what bow so he’s the supreme what
authority but not the authoritarian but it’s easy for us we’re under duress for
us to slip back into those authoritarian roots because that’s what we grew up
with so there’s a difference so if you want to be your child’s best friend and
you want to be liked every day your life as a parent good luck read another book
don’t read this yeah Kevin your credentials you of course have the PhD
but more importantly you were one of these children talk about your attitude
as a kid what you learned with your Irish pop and all those discipline
issues you went through as a child let’s not go through every one of us well I
got I got I graduated fourth of my class in high school and unfortunately it was
fourth on the bottom and not for it from the top I got kicked out of Cub Scouts I
was on a reading group in first grade with a girl who ate paste
I got a 22 in algebra as a final grade as a freshman took algebra several times
took Latin several times passed at once because someone by the name of Carl Maas
was nice enough to lower his left shoulder during the final exam so a lot
of credentials I bring to the focus on the family studio today but you know
what with I was the youngest of three kids I couldn’t compete with my sister
who was perfect and still is to this day and my brother who is near perfect you
want to understand your kid get behind their eyes and I I was I became the best
at being the worst I was a class clown kids like me teachers hated me but you
know what I had a mom was a real brick she was the the one
that prayed for me every day come down the stairs in the morning there she was
with her Bible open she was either reading God’s Word or praying for me
and don’t sell yourself short parents your prayer life your steadfastness
you’re hanging in there you’re just loving those kids I know there’s times
you want to kill them be honest okay but you hanging in there and just loving
those kids but if you love your kids and here’s the principle you will discipline
them that’s part of it mmm hey Kevin we’re gonna take some questions in a
minute from the crowd around us wonder if those questions ready but for the
next few seconds you mentioned four goals of misbehavior yeah what are those
four areas of misbehavior that parents should know about and they come out of
individual psychology from a guy by name but dr. Alfred Adler who years ago was a
colleague of Sigmund Freud in Vienna but real briefly kids misbehave for a reason
as kids become less encouraged and therefore discouraged I mean all kids
are attention getters kids are gonna seek attention positively or negatively
but all kids are attention getters but when encouragement goes down in the home
and I’ll be glad to talk about the difference between encouragement and
praise a kid will go beyond it let me let me show you with a little noise to
boot a classroom teacher okay and a little third grader starts tapping his
pen making noise teacher says Thomas Thomas please and he stops what’s the
best predictor before that classroom is over what behavior is probably going to
reoccur again you guessed it so that’s the attention getter its purpose of
behavior he makes that noise to draw attention to himself now you’ve got the
powerful child if he continues to get discouraged he becomes powerful now this
is the kid that wanders around you tell him to sit down okay give him a command
to sit down he sits alright but he takes his arms
he folds them and he’s got a defiant look on his face sort of okay I will but
I’m to tell you I’m the boss here a kid throws a temper tantrum what’s the
purpose of nature of the temper tantrum at the mall and by the way what do you
do when a kid throws a temper tantrum step over the child there’s a great
temptation to step on the child that is very illegal don’t do that but watch
what happens many times a little tyke will come and he’ll he’ll dive in front
of you a second time he’s saying hey parent I’m an authority over you what
st. Paul clearly says in Ephesians six is this children obey your parents at
the right thing to do because God has placed them here’s that word in
authority over you so he’s saying hey I’m the boss I only count life when I
win so you see attention getters you see powerful kids then you see revengeful
kids in all my years of 40 years of private practice I’ll bet I didn’t see
to revengeful kids and all those times and those are kids that are so hurt by
life they feel like they need to strike back at life then you’ve got the kids
who they’re just inadequate they just give up yeah you see very few of those
believe it or not so most of the kids that we deal with our attention getters
or powerful driven kids the power-driven says I only count when I dominate when I
win when I control the attention guy says I only count life when I get other
people to serve me and I’m the center of attention man those are good thoughts
before questions can you answer this for me formulas and how we parent especially
in the Christian community do we need a little realization there that sometimes
you can do things really well and your child still has their own free will I
mean is it all that formulaic or is it unpredictable to a point that’s how much
God loved us he gave us free choice you can be the best I’ve met some of the
most godly wonderful parents and you really wonder how they could have
spawned such kids because the kids just seemed to be diametrically opposed and
these are loving parents who’ve done you know Lehman style really great parenting
but you know kids they get a wire up their tail they turn
laughs everybody else is turning right some kids just see themselves as victims
or martyrs you see it in adults if I had all those answers Jim I would write a
book called all life’s answers but it’s I would co-author it with Jim Daly and
John fuller well thank you so very much but it’s so true cuz parents gonna carry
a lot of guilt too because they’ve done the the right thing the good thing but
they’re still not getting the result that they’d hoped for I’m great about
four years if you’re a parent write this one down guilt is the propellant for
most of the lousy decisions you will make as a parent hmm got to get over the
guilt well with that let’s open it up to questions hi my name is Erin and I have
a seven-year-old a five-year-old and a three-year-old and my question where are
the children I have a question about something that
my husband and I try to do in the evening we call it family Bible time and
we try to bring the kids together and read a Bible story and already laughing
no it’s just yeah I’m smiling and so let them act out the Bible story but we’re
just trying to expose them and have family time together where we pray and
read the Bible story and it’s it’s not going very well because my husband is
more authoritarian and wants them to be respectful into mind
doggone husband and I want them to have a positive experience with the Bible and
with prayer and not have I’m struggling because I don’t want the discipline of
trying to get them to mine to have a bad association with I don’t think Aaron I
love you where and I want to tell you that I want to tell you the Lehman’s
okay Sandra and Kevin Leman failed at that so miserably so early I figured out
a long time ago this isn’t working one of the things so I’m telling you
when you you have seven five and three you try to line them up and everyone’s
gonna pay attention and we’re gonna have Bible story reminds me of my mother my
mother sent me to Joy Club it was horrific and I’m so old they had
flannelgraph to talk about exciting it was exciting oh but you know what Here I
am I’m not I can’t find about joy remember what joy stood for Jesus others
in you my mom tried but I’ll tell you what we did and what I might suggest for
anybody to try you know kids love stories they love stories at bedtime
you can tell kids stories that has biblical implications that demonstrate
biblical principles to kids in a fun way it makes you creative imaginative and
you can tell the kids the same story now if you choose to do that I’m gonna warn
you Jim talked earlier about the judge and jury if you change that story you
leave something out you’re gonna hear from your little Judge Judy who’s gonna
say Danny you you left out a part or whatever but kids love stories and we
tried the devotional thing around the table with no success whatsoever
I’m marvel at people who can pull that one off so I want you to know Erin
you’re not alone try to be creative one-on-one with the kids rather than the
three of them together you’re outnumbered three to two there you have
it also Odyssey is a great a great
storytelling children’s series that we’re doing that’s a good thing to be
able to listen to that together and then talk about the principles involved let’s
go to the next question hello my name is Laurie and I’m an only
child and my husband I have a daughter who’s also an only child she’s 12 years
old Laurie before we go any further we’re
gonna take a few minutes that we’re gonna pray for you and your husband and
your great for your husband Wow yeah oh my goodness we we tend to be
parenting our parenting style is more toward the permissive side but not
extreme permissive just more toward that area so I wanted your opinion on
something our daughter who’s in seventh grade
she’s great student you know straight A’s
blah-blah-blah-blah very respectful to what I expect but um let’s see how do I
say this so for instance last night she came home and she had a lot of homework
to do and she had to go to a function after school and normally she unloads
the dishwasher however me being the parent I thought oh
she has all this stuff to do I don’t want to ask her to unload the dishwasher
because she needs time to do all these other things so I didn’t ask her to
unload the dishwasher and so when she has a lot of homework to do or she’s
real busy I just you know sometimes I’ll even clean up her room for her things
like that so I’m just wondering your take on that because I don’t want to
stress her out I’m gonna surprise you I think I’m gonna I’m gonna you only child
you I’m gonna surprise you because I’m gonna give you a dr. Lehman five-star
because I think you have to realize that some kids have a lot on their plate and
there’s nothing better than perceiving that situation going in and doing things
you normally wouldn’t do okay because honey and she says mom did you clean up
my better I’m sure that honey you got a lot in your plate this week I just
thought it would help now is that an excuse are you gonna do that every week
are you gonna give your kid room service and food service and my question you
every parent is are you rearing your kid in a home or hotel most parents rear
their kids in what hotels meaning what we give them room service and food
service and we snow plow the roads a life form but I’m saying hey this isn’t
this isn’t cookie cutter here folks you got to know who you’re leading
you’re the leader in your family and sometimes you see situations like that
where you step up you do kind things for each other
Kevin let me let me ask you a question because I know this is happening in some
homes where that more authoritarian parent is saying hey this kid needs to
learn and therefore they need to throw that banana peel away maybe it is finals
week but where’s that balance of showing that kindness in the error of showing no
kindness because you aren’t learning how to how to
grow up so how do you I mean I like what you’re saying I agree with what you’re
saying but sometimes there will be one parent
in the home that is so set on teaching you the right thing to do that there’s
never any Grace or any let me help you with that well I had a breakfast with a
friend this morning and I posed the question about grace you ever wondered
why grace is so bountiful could it possibly be because you and I need it on
a daily basis again I think that parent who was so
rule-oriented he’s gonna have or she’s gonna have Pharisee thinking there’s a
right way to do things you lose some great teachable moments I think you want
to teach your kids to be humble you never look bigger in your kids eyes
we’re gonna say I misspoke I was wrong would you forgive me one of my chilling
moments of being a parent and an author of 59 books is this my 11 year old
daughter Holly looked to be at the breakfast table after I’d run over her
feelings big time and she said do you know what you ought to do and show you
how stupid Kevin Leman is I said what and she said you ought to read your own
book and that one got me and she was right and I apologized profusely tor so
again keep in mind this balance that’s why I bring authoritative to our minds
today we want to be authoritative we want to stand in authority God didn’t
put you on this earth to be run over by your smart mouth kit don’t ever allow it
for all you women look at the news today look at everything that’s in the news
today about men and women you women who are raising sons you represent all a
womanhood to this young guy don’t ever take any guff from little Buford or his
little brother Harlan ever ever ever that is a good point Kevin this has been
terrific and I so appreciate the questions we got much more to cover
Kevin so let’s come back next time go over a few more areas of this wonderful
book making children mind without losing yours it is possible yes and so let’s
come back and do that can we do it chewie ken hey I’m John fuller and
thanks for watching more info about focus over here and more
from our guests over there and be sure to subscribe to our channel as well you

6 thoughts on “Game Plan for Raising Well-Behaved Children – Kevin Leman Part 1

  1. How is disobeying parents a new thing? Was the fifth commandment not an issue for folks until twenty years ago? Did Paul include “disobeying parents” in his Romans 1 vice list in a fit of clairvoyance?

    The truth is you disobeyed your parents. A lot. Then you put on your nostalgia glasses and reminisce about a time that never existed, so you feel that much more proud about your long-suffering as an obedient child, cheapening the patience your parents had with you. We’ve all done it. And if you’ve convinced yourself you haven’t, I pray the Holy Spirit reveals to you this sin and send you to the Son who forgives, the only obedient Son there ever was.

  2. I have two kids one strong willed & the other the attention seeker. I try to use the books tactics , but I get caught up & react to the behavior -by over reacting & still not getting the result I was hoping to receive .  SUPER NANNY HELP US…lol

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